We Love Elaine!

Puppet comes out of retirement just for Elaine. Chris Cantwell...

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 02:10:24 -0500

Puppet comes out of retirement just for Elaine. Chris Cantwell last seen in Manhattan, trying to be killed by Josh Ruben with a cheesesteak sandwich.

A love burns bright in Brooklyn.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:48:31 -0500

I love twizzlers.

I love beer.

I love Elaine when she’s near.

I love her Method cleaning spray.

I love her when together we are gay.

I love sharing chai lattes.

Or stories of hairy hot-ays.

I love her when she’s sweaty from yoga.

I’d love her even if she wore a toga.

I love her covered in ‘mallow goo.

With love we’ll always bbq

I’ll mow her lawn in the backyard

While wearing a lavendar mosquito guard

Yes our love is no match for any man

So you better watch your back Sam.

The end.

By Dre (with a little help from Katie Courtien)

Elaine Loves Spoons and I Love Her.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 20:41:40 -0500

Elaine Loves Spoons and I Love Her.

Fancy

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 19:52:00 -0500

Hanging out with Elaine makes me want to create funny things.

Also, I like the way she puts on lipgloss as soon as she’s finished eating.

And she’s pretty. But that’s, like, “duh-eee.”

—Jane Borden

E- You always keep me guessing…I LOVE YOU! Let’s...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 19:39:05 -0500

E-

You always keep me guessing…I LOVE YOU! Let’s make plans to hang out, it was rad talking with you the other night one on one. MORE!

Hello Elaine.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:36:47 -0500

Elaine,

Besty Iceys haven’t been the same since you walked out the door and walked outta my life. Uncry these tears, I cried so many nights. Unbreak my heart.

My heart.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

-Michael Torpey

I Love Elaine

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:22:00 -0500

Because she works harder than my cleaning lady. At least fifty times harder. Have you seen my place? Tatayana is useless. She won’t get a card this year.

I love Elaine because she always seems to know when I’m really hungry and she’ll suggest ordering food when we’re working so I don’t have to look like an asshole and ask for a third lunch break. That I really appreciate. Most of all, however, I love Elaine because she knows how to express doubt without being negative and how to be complimentary without being gushy.

I love Elaine… a lot.

Stay hot,

- Matt

IE loves Elaine.

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 17:16:14 -0500

IE loves Elaine.

Elaine, You're Like Pixar

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:01:48 -0500

You’re like Disney. You’re like every kid’s movie with Tim Allen but so much better. This is why everyone loves you, you see. And this is (one of many, many reason) why I love you, too.

Love,

- Josh

Elaine is Lamé

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 13:24:00 -0500

You may be thinking this is a diss. It is not. Elaine, you are lame. Rather, you are the human equivilent of the lustrious fabric, lame (lah-MAY!) noted for its eye-catching brilliance lame is used for costumes from Broadway to the Strip. Flashy yet demure, forceful but elegant. You are the ice skater’s bodice, you are the underside of the magician’s cape. You, Elaine, are what holds together Cirque de Soleil’s many zany endeavors. Literally.

Oh, to be in a world without lame. Cold, lifeless, pizzazz-less. Please, don’t pull that trigger, Elaine. Then again, you’d make a great cover for the casket pillow…

Happy Valentine’s Day.

- Jordan

T and A

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:19:00 -0500

T and A, all the way, jk jk.

Elaine is super cool because she has an intelligent sharp wit, yet will still laugh at farts and boners with you.

This is exceptionally nice because 90 percent of the time I walk around with a giant erection and a terrible case of the gassies.

Happy Valentine’s Day, Elaine.

- David

I love Elaine because she makes me want to talk to her in this...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:10:00 -0500

I love Elaine because she makes me want to talk to her in this secret cat language. And I know she will understand because she is just as soft and cute and warm and happy as they are!!!

XOXO

- Jen

Looking at this cute little puppy makes me feel the same way as...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 11:27:00 -0500

Looking at this cute little puppy makes me feel the same way as when I’m around Elaine… all warm and fuzzy. ;-) WE LOVE ELAINE!!!

- Vic

Why I love Elaine

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 10:18:00 -0500

Elaine is awesome. She’s the best friend anyone could have! Elaine is so talented it makes me want to throw up (but enjoy it). Elaine has been there when I needed a buddy, a friend and a sister. Elaine makes me laugh just by looking at her, cause now, all I see is Simon. :) Elaine - you rock! That’s why I love Elaine!!!

Only problem is this is what her resume looks like - no wonder she can’t get a job anymore in the “real world.”

Elaine Carroll Skills Summary:

Disorganized, Hates sinners, not at all resourceful and… away.
I don’t nokn egrish can’t speel
Amateur with no leadership whatsoever but I have a good relationship with Jesus!
What’s a computer? But who cares. I’ll get you to do it and take the credit!

LDS Resources 2006 – 2007 Front Desk Administrative Assistant/ Jr. Recruiter

Hit and yelled at all prospective applicants and clients.
Ignored questions about application process and let them set themselves up for assessment testing adhering to company protocol.
Didn’t pick up the phone at all. Yelled at CEO to answer his own fucking phone.
Lost all current and former employee information including W4 and I9 forms sold personal information to The Triad organization.
Lost, applications. Don’t worry, someone else found them.
Recruited and prescreened applicants as a member of the Operations Department.

Dutch East, LLC – 2004 - Present

My reputation speaks for itself. Call my manager.

The T Theatre – 2006 - Present

Develop assignation techniques with customers and fostered ominous atmosphere.
Killed customer’s dreams and drank the tears of their children
Took their money, cash and credit.

Mavle Collegiate Empire– 2005 - 2006

Tortured for children ages 1 – 7 with saw dust and car batteries.
Made them iron my clothes and beat them if they cried.
Took their candy. HA HA HA!

KKKamp Broadway – 2005

Made children ages 12 – 17 sing to me.
Watched the 2005 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade opening number

Education – Graduated 1306

B.Fucking.A. Acting, Marymount Manhattan College. New York, NY. 5.0 GPA. Yes, 5.0.

- Sammy Doerr

I love Elaine becuase she’s my ski school buddy, and ski school buddies stick together. Still...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 09:43:00 -0500

I love Elaine becuase she’s my ski school buddy, and ski school buddies stick together.

Still sore,

- Jeff

I love your range. As a person. I love that I can talk about yoga and dharma to a woman who plays a...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 01:19:00 -0500

I love your range. As a person. I love that I can talk about yoga and dharma to a woman who plays a twelve year old boy so convincingly that after viewing Chess Bus my mother asked, “How did they find a little boy to be in their video?”

I love our mutual pep talks. I love molesting you in dressing rooms. I love talking politics and boys and past lives. I love your stunningIy accurate impersonation of me. Most of all, I love coming up with you, baby. I feel blessed to know you. Truly.

- Chris

Photo

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:56:36 -0500

I love Elaine for the same reason Sarah does. - Street

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:45:00 -0500

I love Elaine for the same reason Sarah does.

- Street

Every Little Attribute Is New & Exciting Happy Birthday!!! No? I guess just good job being...

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:26:00 -0500

Every

Little

Attribute

New

Exciting

Happy Birthday!!! No? I guess just good job being great…

- Travis

Sunday Nights

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 23:16:00 -0500

Though our friendship is in the new and blossoming stage, there is nothing I like more than schleping into the UCB offices on Sunday night to find you there so I can try to impress you with my lame stories. I want you to think I’m cool Elaine, and I’m not afraid to admit it!

Will you be my friend Valentine?

- Kate Spencer, Nerd