Happy V-E (Valentine’s For Elaine) Day!!!
Dear Elaine,
Though we haven’t known one another terribly long, it is obvious you are a lovely woman. A talented, attractive, and warm individual with a remarkable sense of humor and a charming laugh that reminds me, to a certain degree, of the actress Gwyneth Paltrow. I know that’s a little silly, but I suppose people sometimes make curious observations like that.
It is always a pleasure talking with you at social gatherings or when you come to the office. You, and your Gwyneth Paltrow-like laugh. I’m not talking about the shy, “Shakespeare In Love”- or “Royal Tenenbaums”-era Gwyneth Paltrow. No way. I’m thinking of her earlier, more charismatic work. You know, like “Se7en” or “Sliding Doors”—the stuff she made before she married that dickhead Chris Martin.
Did you see “The Pallbearer?” She was in that, too.
One of my fondest memories is the night you and I watched “Saturday Night Live” clips with Sam. It’s always rewarding meeting individuals with such similar tastes in comedy. Hey, did you see the “SNL” hosted by Gwyneth? If not, I can lend it to you on VHS. The quality’s not so great—apparently the magnetic tape wears out after two or three hundred plays—but Gwyneth is absolutely hilarious in it. Not surprisingly, this was before she married a certain shithead British alt-rocker.
Anyway, I’ll FedEx you that tape tonight. Just, you know, bring it back as soon as you can. As soon as you can within, like, 48 hours after getting it.
I think someone at a bar told me Chris Martin was a pledged Neo Nazi. Weird, huh?
Here’s wishing you a very happy Valentine’s Day!
- Patrick Cassels
