The best years of my life were those spent on York Avenue with the Bishop Don Carroll Dazzle, better known as Elaine Carroll. These years were spent laughing till the point of nausea, eating Better Burger till the point of shitting ourselves, going on late night cookie runs, t-ping our cat Wobbly Boom (may she rest in peace), stealing a couch and carrying it into the apartment at 1am, African dancing, being accused of exercising, wading our way through floods, and the NON-STOP sex, we had a lot of magical times together.
Perhaps the highlight of our time at York Ave was the creation of “The Wall of Hilarity.” Since Elaine and I both have enormous egos, we felt it was necessary to dedicate an entire wall of our apartment to hanging post-its documenting the brilliantly funny things we’ve said. I am proud to say, this is the first public posting of “The Wall.” I imagine very few things on it will ACTUALLY be funny to anyone other than Elaine and I, but we are so funny we don’t need your approval. So Happy Valentine’s Day, Elaine… and fuck everyone else.
Forever and Always Your Bestest Bestie and Numero Uno Fag,
- Dr. Funk
Dear Elaine,
Though we haven’t known one another terribly long, it is obvious you are a lovely woman. A talented, attractive, and warm individual with a remarkable sense of humor and a charming laugh that reminds me, to a certain degree, of the actress Gwyneth Paltrow. I know that’s a little silly, but I suppose people sometimes make curious observations like that.
It is always a pleasure talking with you at social gatherings or when you come to the office. You, and your Gwyneth Paltrow-like laugh. I’m not talking about the shy, “Shakespeare In Love”- or “Royal Tenenbaums”-era Gwyneth Paltrow. No way. I’m thinking of her earlier, more charismatic work. You know, like “Se7en” or “Sliding Doors”—the stuff she made before she married that dickhead Chris Martin.
Did you see “The Pallbearer?” She was in that, too.
One of my fondest memories is the night you and I watched “Saturday Night Live” clips with Sam. It’s always rewarding meeting individuals with such similar tastes in comedy. Hey, did you see the “SNL” hosted by Gwyneth? If not, I can lend it to you on VHS. The quality’s not so great—apparently the magnetic tape wears out after two or three hundred plays—but Gwyneth is absolutely hilarious in it. Not surprisingly, this was before she married a certain shithead British alt-rocker.
Anyway, I’ll FedEx you that tape tonight. Just, you know, bring it back as soon as you can. As soon as you can within, like, 48 hours after getting it.
I think someone at a bar told me Chris Martin was a pledged Neo Nazi. Weird, huh?
Here’s wishing you a very happy Valentine’s Day!
- Patrick Cassels
Elaine,
People always used to tell me how much “chemistry” we had onstage together. I completely disagree! It was never “chemistry”! It was just me trying to keep up with your talent and trying to not have too much of a crush on you! But, it didn’t work. And you ended up stealing the scene anyway! I have the utmost respect for your ambition and skills as an actor. And you are, without question, one of the most beautiful women I have ever met!
- Jeff Boles
I love Elaine for the little girl whose picture is on the fridge, and for the woman she has become.
I love Elaine for her warmth, and her wit, and her wisdom.
I love Elaine for bringing Simon into my life.
I love Elaine for her porcelain skin and the beauty of her curves.
I love Elaine even when she’s having a hard time loving Elaine.
And I love Elaine for putting up with Sam.
- Clare
You and my father came up together, as the oil industry was in its earliest stages. When he died, you took me under your wing (not an actual wing), later disowning me because I was hearing impaired. I’m writing to reach out to you and ask that you take me back. Oh… wait… shit… Elaine Carroll… oh yeah, we went to school together… um… she’s really cool. She never took me under her fake wing or anything, but she sure is special. Elaine was the lone person, amidst tons of pretentious theatre kids at Marymount, to dare to be the funny girl. What’s amazing about her is that she never throws her immense talent in your face, never tries to impress anyone. She’s always herself, smiling, personable and motherly. Elaine, you make great pancakes, even better conversation, and an even better friend.
- Dave
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
Elaine, we were talking about anagrams at the office recently, and I’m pretty sure that they always represent universal truths. Take yours, for instance: your full name can be rearranged to spell “All Iron Cereal,” “I, Local Learner” and “Anal Ice Roller.” Isn’t that crazy? After all, you love iron in your Frosted Mini Wheats, you’re enrolled in community college, and you drive a Butthole Zamboni.
In any case, I’m so happy that I know you. You’re a warm, hilarious, fantastic person. AND LOOK AT THOSE BOOBS! Jordan Hall, stop writing in my Tumblr post about Elaine. BOOBS! NUMNUMNUMNUM — Stop that right now Jordan Hall! He’s out of control. BRB, he’s gnawing on the radiator.
Remember when we went to the Hamptons, and watched improv, and ate Thai food in your kitchen, and we went skiing and you mastered the black diamond? I do. Let’s do lots more of that. Cheers friend, and best of luck on your next zamboni run across a big icy anus.
- Dan
