February 2008
40 posts
WatchPuppet comes out of retirement just for Elaine. Chris Cantwell last seen in Manhattan, trying to be killed by Josh Ruben with a cheesesteak sandwich.
A love burns bright in Brooklyn.
I love twizzlers.
I love beer.
I love Elaine when she’s near.
I love her Method cleaning spray.
I love her when together we are gay.
I love sharing chai lattes.
Or stories of hairy hot-ays.
I love her when she’s sweaty from yoga.
I’d love her even if she wore a toga.
I love her covered in ‘mallow goo.
With love we’ll always bbq
I’ll mow her lawn in...
Fancy
Hanging out with Elaine makes me want to create funny things.
Also, I like the way she puts on lipgloss as soon as she’s finished eating.
And she’s pretty. But that’s, like, “duh-eee.”
—Jane Borden
Hello Elaine.
Elaine,
Besty Iceys haven’t been the same since you walked out the door and walked outta my life. Uncry these tears, I cried so many nights. Unbreak my heart.
My heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
-Michael Torpey
I Love Elaine
Because she works harder than my cleaning lady. At least fifty times harder. Have you seen my place? Tatayana is useless. She won’t get a card this year.
I love Elaine because she always seems to know when I’m really hungry and she’ll suggest ordering food when we’re working so I don’t have to look like an asshole and ask for a third lunch break. That I really...
WatchIE loves Elaine.
Elaine, You're Like Pixar
You’re like Disney. You’re like every kid’s movie with Tim Allen but so much better. This is why everyone loves you, you see. And this is (one of many, many reason) why I love you, too. Love,
- Josh
Elaine is Lamé
You may be thinking this is a diss. It is not. Elaine, you are lame. Rather, you are the human equivilent of the lustrious fabric, lame (lah-MAY!) noted for its eye-catching brilliance lame is used for costumes from Broadway to the Strip. Flashy yet demure, forceful but elegant. You are the ice skater’s bodice, you are the underside of the magician’s cape. You, Elaine, are what...
T and A
T and A, all the way, jk jk.
Elaine is super cool because she has an intelligent sharp wit, yet will still laugh at farts and boners with you.
This is exceptionally nice because 90 percent of the time I walk around with a giant erection and a terrible case of the gassies.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Elaine.
- David
Why I love Elaine
Elaine is awesome. She’s the best friend anyone could have! Elaine is so talented it makes me want to throw up (but enjoy it). Elaine has been there when I needed a buddy, a friend and a sister. Elaine makes me laugh just by looking at her, cause now, all I see is Simon. :) Elaine - you rock! That’s why I love Elaine!!!
Only problem is this is what her resume looks like - no wonder...
I love Elaine becuase she’s my ski school buddy, and ski school buddies stick together.
Still sore,
- Jeff
I love your range. As a person. I love that I can talk about yoga and dharma to a woman who plays a twelve year old boy so convincingly that after viewing Chess Bus my mother asked, “How did they find a little boy to be in their video?”
I love our mutual pep talks. I love molesting you in dressing rooms. I love talking politics and boys and past lives. I love your stunningIy accurate...
Every
Little
Attribute
Is
New
&
Exciting
Happy Birthday!!! No? I guess just good job being great…
- Travis
Sunday Nights
Though our friendship is in the new and blossoming stage, there is nothing I like more than schleping into the UCB offices on Sunday night to find you there so I can try to impress you with my lame stories. I want you to think I’m cool Elaine, and I’m not afraid to admit it!
Will you be my friend Valentine?
xo
- Kate Spencer, Nerd
The Carroll Courtien Residence
The best years of my life were those spent on York Avenue with the Bishop Don Carroll Dazzle, better known as Elaine Carroll. These years were spent laughing till the point of nausea, eating Better Burger till the point of shitting ourselves, going on late night cookie runs, t-ping our cat Wobbly Boom (may she rest in peace), stealing a couch and carrying it into the apartment at 1am, African...
Happy V-E (Valentine's For Elaine) Day!!!
Dear Elaine,
Though we haven’t known one another terribly long, it is obvious you are a lovely woman. A talented, attractive, and warm individual with a remarkable sense of humor and a charming laugh that reminds me, to a certain degree, of the actress Gwyneth Paltrow. I know that’s a little silly, but I suppose people sometimes make curious observations like that. It is always a...
Chemistry
Elaine,
People always used to tell me how much “chemistry” we had onstage together. I completely disagree! It was never “chemistry”! It was just me trying to keep up with your talent and trying to not have too much of a crush on you! But, it didn’t work. And you ended up stealing the scene anyway! I have the utmost respect for your ambition and skills as an actor....
Let me count the ways ...
I love Elaine for the little girl whose picture is on the fridge, and for the woman she has become.
I love Elaine for her warmth, and her wit, and her wisdom.
I love Elaine for bringing Simon into my life.
I love Elaine for her porcelain skin and the beauty of her curves.
I love Elaine even when she’s having a hard time loving Elaine.
And I love Elaine for putting up with Sam.
-...
There Will Be Carroll
You and my father came up together, as the oil industry was in its earliest stages. When he died, you took me under your wing (not an actual wing), later disowning me because I was hearing impaired. I’m writing to reach out to you and ask that you take me back. Oh… wait… shit… Elaine Carroll… oh yeah, we went to school together… um… she’s really...
Remember?
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare As any she belied with false compare.
Be Mine (but be his, really)
Elaine, we were talking about anagrams at the office recently, and I’m pretty sure that they always represent universal truths. Take yours, for instance: your full name can be rearranged to spell “All Iron Cereal,” “I, Local Learner” and “Anal Ice Roller.” Isn’t that crazy? After all, you love iron in your Frosted Mini Wheats, you’re enrolled...
Miss Elaine,
Our friendship is fairly recent, but I must say that you and Sam are some of the finest seamen I’ve ever had the pleasure of adventuring with. Is it OK to laugh because “seamen” sounds a lot like “semen”? I certainly hope so. Otherwise, the last eleven years of my life are practically meaningless.
Best regards,
- Ben Joseph
Also? A baby that...
Cool
Because Elaine is so cool, so dynamite, so beautiful, so smart, so, so… Elaine. And also because Sam loves her, and she loves Sam, and I happen to be Sam’s dad. So by a logic that anyone can understand, except perhaps our current president who understands nothing, I love Elaine, too.
- Bob
Elaine?
I think this may have been sent to me by mistake. I don’t know anyone by the name of Elaine. I do however have a besty named Lorraine and boy do I love her! She’s nice. Oh, wait you know what I do know an Elaine. Elaine Carroll. Her I do not like. Lorraine Carrol, though…what a doll. The tops, man. Great. Really stylish.
Love,
- Pat Driscoll
ELAINE IS SO FAT!!
and by fat i mean PHAT! and by phat i mean lovable. i would never punch her in the face until she couldn’t breathe. in fact, i would never punch her in the face at all. i would just give her crazy crazy endless love! happy valentines day elaine! even though i don’t see you as often as i’d like, you have a permanent, rent controlled luxury condo in my heart. i adore you and...
My precious plum!
I love Elaine because of everytime I see her I smile. She is just about the most delightful human being that I have ever met. And she is great pirate/gay mom. Most of all I love her sweet rack, I mean her sweet smile. :)
I love you to bits! Be my Valentine? (I guess I will have to fight Sam.)
- Annie
i love the way you look at me
elaine. i love the way you look at me.
all of black20 missed you to pieces!
love
- J
A Personal Reason!
We all love Elaine, but I personally have a deep emotional and physical attachment to this woman. The reason, ladies and gentleman, is because Elaine was the first person I have ever bitch-slapped in a legitimate performance in a scene from Strindberg’s “Miss Julie”. I’ll never forget how much fun I had rehearsing that scene because - what could I say, the girl loved...
Welcome to We Love Elaine!
I’ve been with Elaine for seven years. She knows why I love her. That’s old news. She doesn’t know why you love her. So this Valentine’s Day, tell her. Using the options above, write her a poem, upload your favorite picture of her, or type out your favorite Elaine quote or chat.
It’s a digital love fest!