Puppet comes out of retirement just for Elaine. Chris Cantwell last seen in Manhattan, trying to be killed by Josh Ruben with a cheesesteak sandwich.
We Love Elaine!
A love burns bright in Brooklyn.
I love twizzlers.
I love beer.
I love Elaine when she’s near.
I love her Method cleaning spray.
I love her when together we are gay.
I love sharing chai lattes.
Or stories of hairy hot-ays.
I love her when she’s sweaty from yoga.
I’d love her even if she wore a toga.
I love her covered in ‘mallow goo.
With love we’ll always bbq
I’ll mow her lawn in the backyard
While wearing a lavendar mosquito guard
Yes our love is no match for any man
So you better watch your back Sam.
The end.
By Dre (with a little help from Katie Courtien)
Elaine Loves Spoons and I Love Her.
Fancy
Hanging out with Elaine makes me want to create funny things.
Also, I like the way she puts on lipgloss as soon as she’s finished eating.
And she’s pretty. But that’s, like, “duh-eee.”
—Jane Borden
E-
You always keep me guessing…I LOVE YOU! Let’s make plans to hang out, it was rad talking with you the other night one on one. MORE!
V
Hello Elaine.
Elaine,
Besty Iceys haven’t been the same since you walked out the door and walked outta my life. Uncry these tears, I cried so many nights. Unbreak my heart.
My heart.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
-Michael Torpey
I Love Elaine
Because she works harder than my cleaning lady. At least fifty times harder. Have you seen my place? Tatayana is useless. She won’t get a card this year.
I love Elaine because she always seems to know when I’m really hungry and she’ll suggest ordering food when we’re working so I don’t have to look like an asshole and ask for a third lunch break. That I really appreciate. Most of all, however, I love Elaine because she knows how to express doubt without being negative and how to be complimentary without being gushy.
I love Elaine… a lot.
Stay hot,
- Matt
IE loves Elaine.
Elaine, You're Like Pixar
You’re like Disney. You’re like every kid’s movie with Tim Allen but so much better. This is why everyone loves you, you see. And this is (one of many, many reason) why I love you, too.Love,
- Josh
Elaine is Lamé
You may be thinking this is a diss. It is not. Elaine, you are lame. Rather, you are the human equivilent of the lustrious fabric, lame (lah-MAY!) noted for its eye-catching brilliance lame is used for costumes from Broadway to the Strip. Flashy yet demure, forceful but elegant. You are the ice skater’s bodice, you are the underside of the magician’s cape. You, Elaine, are what holds together Cirque de Soleil’s many zany endeavors. Literally.
Oh, to be in a world without lame. Cold, lifeless, pizzazz-less. Please, don’t pull that trigger, Elaine. Then again, you’d make a great cover for the casket pillow…
Happy Valentine’s Day.
- Jordan
